When I started reading Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin, a book all about habit change, I was half expecting to find some already been told tips to make yourself remember, retain and revise your habits so that you could keep the good and ditch the bad.
It was a hell of a lot more than that though.
Somehow, Better Than Before made me a better coach. Because while I understood with quite great depth why people overeat, people please at the detriment of their happiness, stay in draining relationships and don’t exercise due to an exhausting work schedule, I’ve never had a person put everything as clearly as Gretchen has.
The question I’m always asked is “Why is it so easy for some people to change and I find it so difficult?”
Why do some people thrive on structure and routine and others rebel against it?
It all comes down to expectations, namely outer and inner. And apparently that’s the most important part.
Your outer expectations are things like - work deadlines and the promise to catch up with friends.
Your inner expectations are what you set for yourself - follow a diet or learn a new language.
Gretchen has created her “Four Tendencies” which are outlined in the graphic below.
In my experience with clients, an Upholder is in little need of a coach to hold her accountable. The reason Upholders come to me is to get the information they need to change, they thrive on a shorter program with me, maybe just 6 sessions over 6 weeks. This way they can find out what they need to know from me regarding how to achieve their goals and then they will continue to follow these guidelines on their own, without someone watching.
An Obliger is my most common type of client. An Obliger will generally do what others ask and expect of them, but rarely follow through on goals they set for themselves. An Obliger NEEDS a coach by their side while they make big life changes. Because if they promise themselves they will eat better, go to the gym 4 days a week or work on their new business each evening - they probably won’t continue doing that long term. Where as when someone is watching and holding them accountable, they thrive! Because Obligers don’t like to disappoint others, so having someone watching is crucial and they are motivated by external accountability.
Questioners are the most fun, because they want to know WHY. They question, absorb and then go away and make their own decisions. They do research outside of our coaching sessions and they come back and challenge me at times, which makes my job more interesting. These people make change based on their beliefs, not mine, which is something I truely respect and love in a Questioner.
Now Rebels, which are the smallest group of the four tendencies, challenge the heck out of me. Because they don’t really want to live up to inner or outer expectations. While I know I’m a great coach, this the the group I struggle with and I’m still learning to coach effectively. I’ve released Rebels out of my program before, because I’m very strong in my belief that if I don’t believe I’m going to help someone the way I know I can, I’m not going to take their money. This is a group that I spend lots of time researching and testing ways of coaching, but I’m still getting there with them.
I highly recommend doing the Four Tendancies Quiz. It’s free and you can learn a lot about yourself in a small amount of time. Knowing your tendency can answer the questions you may ask about yourself often like -
“Why do I find it difficult to take time for myself?”
“Why can’t I follow through with my goals?"
Or even -
“Why do other people find it so hard to follow through their internal expectations?” (you must be an Upholder!)
Then once you know your tendency, be open to the best way for you to change your habits. If you’re an upholder, you just need someone to give you the information you need to change, an obliger thrives with a coach, a questioner needs someone to prompt their research and if you’re a rebel - go on and embrace your rebellious self!
You can take the quiz for free here -
If you want to read Gretchens book Better Than Before, you can buy it here.
And when you're done, I want you to comment below this post on which of the Four Tendencies YOU are and let me know what this means to you.
